Weightless.

It must be spring. I know this not by the blooming flowers or warm air moving in, and not by my allergies in all their glory either. I know the smell and taste of spring because every spring for as long as I can remember has marked a move. I have begun cleaning closets, donating, purging, shipping, packing. Here comes another spring full of change, relocating, good byes and hellos. I have been approaching this spring with dread, I hate to admit that, but its true. I have put a lot of energy into making this upcoming change a positive and steady one, and to be honest....nearly every open door has been closed and every potential “yes” has turned to a “no”. To say it is frustrating does not seem to do this experience justice.

So, I am done putting the energy into planning. Because, really the planning is just my need to control and know everything – which I never will, and yet I will probably never learn that lesson. Now, my energy is turned to being present. There is still internship work to be done (only 8 weeks left) and a princess to raise. And while the lack of a plan is scary as hell, I also feel somewhat weightless. I have unattached myself from my furniture, I have unattached myself from leases and school districts, even a permanent address! I am not trying to romanticized the unattached life, because I am not looking forward to it. However, the weightlessness feels freeing, too.

Valley Camp, North Bend, WA
Spring Break 2012

Only one other time in life have I truly surrendered – when I found myself sitting in Minnesota with a newborn baby, a very sick father and a life on the other side of the country I had just cut all ties with. Everyone I saw had questions for me, questions I could not answer. The unknowing built to the point that I avoided public places where the questions would certainly arise and I made myself sick trying to figure it all out. Finally, one day I told God I was done, God was going to have to take over because I was done. I felt a collective sigh of relief, both my own and God's! That unknowing chapter turned into one of the most healing and fulfilling years of my life to date. Turns out, God is better at planning then I am.

So, here we go – unattached in every sense of the word. Fear, dread and anxiety will go with us...but so will hope, faith and a lot of support from those that love us.